As a kindness to those who silently struggle, and as an explanation of my choices and decisions in regard to social interaction in groups ….let me offer you a glimpse into to the world of “ You look well” ~ when we are really suffering from some health issue, or multiple issues, or complex symptoms of a single disease.  Invisible Illness…Many suffer in silence, struggle to keep up, engage in activities that they know will result in a flare of symptoms, agree to some form of social interaction that will be a detriment to health and well being to comply with those who won’t take “no” for an answer. I ache for those lacking sufficient coping skills needed to bypass a downward spiral to comply with well meaning requests.

It should not take a full explanation of the need to politely, with appreciation for the consideration, to decline such invitations.  Let it be understood what a “yes” might look like to someone with a physical, emotional or mental condition that renders them less than healthy, but looking fit and well.

Consider the addition of appointments and health related outings that have to factor into the outlay of energy and realize many of us are in an energy deficit just having to get out of bed, brush teeth, comb hair and get dressed.  If you haven’t experienced the kind of exhaustion that renders every appendage and body part too weighty for muscles to support them, every step too energy draining to accomplish in a timely fashion, every task a challenge to weigh the priority and come up deficient in the needed resources to accomplish… you have no idea what hidden illness exhaustion looks like.

What a “Yes” Would Mean

A “Yes” in advance of an event may result in extra care to be taken days or even weeks in advance to prepare.  Yes that’s right.  Because not only is there the usual attention paid to attending an event, there are other considerations, such as the need for extra rest for a major energy drain, the kind rendering a body to be in survival mode for an extended period of time, days or weeks.  The need to accommodate a schedule of medications, or procedures, exercises or special foods to prepare beforehand.  It isn’t just about getting up and going away.  And that’s just the tip of the ice burg.

And don’t invalidate that suffering persons experience with your own, “Oh, yeah, I’m really tired too.”  Until you have walked in their shoes, you have no clue.   I’ve been in this world of looking fine, but not being fine, long enough to have had way more of those conversations than necessary. That kind of exchange results in a sense of being misunderstood at the very best, and at the worst invalidated, and judged as incompetent to do life as a normal person.  We are all incompetent in some sense to live this life unless God supplies His wisdom and strength day by day.   Consider that long term hidden illnesses hone a certain set of coping skills, tools in a toolbox that can be utilized to get through a day with minimal negative impact that will impinge on coming days.  And, recognize that within that tool box of coping skills there is probably a list of Do’s and Don’t Do’s that over time have accumulated for the help needed to make appropriate decisions. 

That aforementioned list is silently scanned to give an answer to various social situations that come up.  Crowds (more than 2 or 3 at a time), bright lights, loud noises, extraneous activity ~ cars passing, people moving, etc. ~ are all too often the cue to say “No thank you, I can’t make it”.  Please understand that “no” isn’t meant to be an offense or push back or unkindness.  It’s self preservation. It is an effort to survive with some sort of life in tact.    And when pressed for a better answer than “no thank you” stress is added to an already stressful choice. 

No Comprehension? What You Can Do…

If you are someone who doesn’t understand any of the above, fall to your knees and thank God you are not so afflicted.  It would not be a choice any of us would make. Or make for even our worst enemy.  If you really want to love us…respect our first “No, thank you”.  Keep our encounters safe for us, if we  need short connections honor that.  Don’t cut us out of your life, do consider that even pleasant stresses are still energy depleting.  Some of us don’t have energy to spare. 

And, just know, we get really weary having to answer, “how are you doing?”  when the honest answer would be lengthy, and not what you are looking for. It gets pretty easy to discern who is really interested and who is just passing through and not ready to stop and listen.

Honor Our Choices

All that to say, please respect the “no thank you”s in response to invitations from folks that have those under the surface, behind the scenes things going on, pray for them, don’t assume you know what they are experiencing based on your own life challenges, everyone is different, everyone “feels” life’s bumps in the road differently.  Share Scripture that has recently been a blessing to you, be an encouragement relaying God’s  work  in you and through you and to you, focus on the goodness of our Abba Father, His grace and mercy abound.  Be God focused in your conversation. 

People suffering from those hidden illnesses are all too often already in a state of sensory overload.  To offload your own personal burdens, unless specifically requested, contributes an added burden, increasing an already excessive stress load.  Those stressors translate to increased symptoms of toxic burden their body has to process

I am not communicating this for my own purpose so much as for those I have recently encountered that are working through their own physical battles, in silence.  My current bottom line, I’m OK.  I know my limits.  I know what’s in my Coping Skills Tool Box for use when needed, and I know how to use them.  I know how to say “no thank you”.  I still struggle letting go of things I want to do when I know I should not.  I quit sooner than I used to, so that’s a plus, I know what I need to do, and sometimes even do it. 

I am thankful for what I am allowed, for what my body doesn’t strain at, for quicker recovery than what it used to be.  For the promise that one day there won’t be any of these restrictions, these bodies will be whole and in perfect operating condition.  Won’t that be great?.