I woke up one morning earlier this month with the thought…this is the Anniversary month of hubby’s homegoing, his departure from this earth to his long anticipated graduation to his Eternal Home. And that initial nudge  left me with scattered thoughts, self centered as they are, about where I am today. So very little left of Mrs. Tom Bailey. The important parts remain, in some form or another, at least I hope so.

The reality is, for the first time in 73 years, I am wholly dependent on God more than I have ever been in my life. That signifies abundant blessings to be well cared for and provided for, by others, indeed.  But now,  I have no earthly live in companion to look out for me hour by hour. God has graciously provided the blessing of true, good friends, but, that’s not the same as a 24/7 live in person to bounce ideas off or oversee finances. By force of the situation I can no longer stand in the wings and let my happy outgoing gregarious husband undertake the social aspects of life. Finances are a new hazard/ responsibility. The burden of maintenance, from appliances, lawn care equipment, to vehicle and dwelling now rest on my shoulders. Choices and decisions about higher value purchases are now single handedly met, or set aside for a day when brain cells are eager to tackle a challenge. Where once my decisions were firmly set once made, now, I find myself second guessing, without that partner to reign in foolish ideas, or forge ahead with plans for useful goals.

I am no longer who I used to be . Becoming a resident of Florida was more of a big deal than it sounds. It’s not just changing a geographical location … it’s ending a lifetime of familiar surroundings, family and friends, exchanging a lifelong accumulation of things that factored into my comfort zone for a new reality. In my new me, I am strengthening core values ~ the spiritual foundation that I used to lean on hubby for direction, learning boundaries necessary to maintain physical and mental health, using my words thoughtfully and carefully to communicate my needs, when I once didn’t have to go outside the walls of my home to do. October always seemed to be a month of reflection, ousting, negative, unwanted or undesirable aspects of personhood. I don’t know why. But it was a fact, our relationship felt the sting of pouring out a whole season of things needing attention, all in the month of October. Now, I’m left to reflect, have I made advances in the right direction to be the Christ focused person I need to be? I’ll never get to my ultimate goal until God calls me Home. I do need to be sure my steps are aiming in that direction though, without the help of that man that knew me well and loved me anyway. Early morning thoughts after a short night.